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My husband
misses how I used to care for him. I feel guilty that he is neglected,
but what can I do when I feel too "nurtured out" myself?
Some
women do not realize how often they are the giver in their lives
until they have children. Before kids, you may have been a fabulous
listener, always interested in the social exploits of your best
friends. Or maybe you were one of those workaholics, a worker who
gave everything to her job and then some. Maybe you expected that
once you became a mother, you would still work as hard to be a good
friend, spouse, daughter, and worker while also making your home
gorgeous, cooking fantastic meals, and helping the kids with homework.
If you weren’t exhausted from all that giving before, mothering
can put you over the edge. When you give everyone else everything
you have, there’s nothing left over for you and your husband.
Tell your husband! It seems obvious
to most moms, but often husbands really don’t know how much of their
wives’ days focuses on taking care of others. I hear this all the
time, as mothers take care of the home, the kids, their jobs, their
aging relatives, and their friends. Often there is just nothing
remaining to give to your husband at the end of each day. Believing
that your husband and your marriage can handle what amounts to neglect,
you put you and your husband last and no longer nurture your relationship.
So tell your husband when you feel all used up. Explain that you
spent the day listening to the woes of your sister-in-law or solving
a major problem at work. Share with him how many emails you answered,
diapers you changed, carpools you drove, reports you filed, or calls
you made about your mother’s doctor bills. Tell him you feel all
“nurtured out,” and assure him that you love him, but feel depleted.
In addition to trying to make sure your husband understands the
nature of your daily nurturing activities, you may also need to
make some adjustments. If you feel “nurtured out” most of the time,
something is out of balance. Either you are doing too much, expecting
too much of yourself, or your husband or others are expecting too
much of you. Get help, either at work or at home, or limit or eliminate
some of your more draining activities or relationships.
Also, take care of yourself. You deserve
to have some discretionary emotional giving and to be nurtured yourself.
Start to examine which friendships still give you pleasure and which
ones seem too demanding. Reconsider your priorities. I would never
suggest that you do less than a good job at whatever you undertake,
but you might be working so hard to fill everyone else’s needs that
you have put your own and your husband’s needs aside. By reassessing
what you honestly value, what gives you satisfaction and what has
become an unnecessary chore, you have the opportunity to make better
choices and free up some of that emotional energy. When you nurture
people and projects you genuinely care about, you will not feel
so overextended and you will be able to focus, at least occasionally,
on your husband as well. And if you are neglecting your husband
mostly because you are feeling so emotionally overdrawn, taking
care of yourself will take care of him—and you will both feel better.
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