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My kids
have three sets of grandparents: my mother and her husband, my father
and his wife, and my in-laws, and they all seem to be competitive
about who is the best grandparent. How can I get them to behave
themselves?
Sometimes,
even supposedly mature people act like little kids. I’ve heard many
stories about how sets of grandparents compete for favored grandparent
status. It’s laughable, except when it’s your kids who are being
pushed and pulled to visit more often, or who are showered with
unnecessary and lavish gifts in the attempt at winning their affection.
When there are ex-spouses and multiple sets of interested relatives,
the competition can get dicey.
Talk to them, if at all
possible. Tell them that you want your children to love all their
relatives and have great relationships with them all. Remind them
that grandparenting is not a competitive sport. Reassure the grandparents
that you totally support their desire to feel connected to your
children. Ask them to limit gifts because you don’t want your kids
to learn to expect gifts from grandparents; you do want them to
love them, enjoy them, and maybe expect to learn something or to
have fun together.
Do not talk about one set of grandparents
to the others. If your father-in-law asks you who bought Brooke
that beautiful dress (and it was your father), jump up out of your
seat, exclaiming “I almost forgot; I have to make a call!” and leave
the room. Or ignore the question, responding instead, “Don’t you
think Brooke’s eyes look just like yours?” If they want to know
how often you visit with the other grandparents, tell them you try
to see all of the relatives as much as possible. Learn to change
the subject if they try to compare gifts or involvement. Remind
them that your children love and enjoy them. Teach them that loving
relationships can’t be compared or measured, and tell them you are
grateful that so many people love your children.
If you allow frequent
visits, phone calls, and email; eliminate their ability to measure
each other’s generosity or contact; and Motherhood without Guilt
deflect the competitive questions, you will go a long way in decreasing
the competition among these relatives. You will also teach your
children that love is not something you can measure, that the richness
of a relationship comes from the closeness the people feel rather
than the gifts that they give, and that you value people for who
they are, not for what they do. These are very good lessons.
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