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Is it awful of me
that I was disappointed in the sex of my child?
The
truth is that many prospective parents, when totally honest with
themselves, long for one sex or the other for a variety of reasons.
Some want to have the same sex they are, feeling parent and child
will understand each other better or be closer. People who hated
their sisters may want boys, or those who felt particularly warmly
toward one sibling or another may want a child just like them. Parents
who already have children of one sex often wish for the other. They may tell you that they’ll
be happy as long as the baby is healthy, and they probably will,
but that doesn’t eliminate the desire for whichever
gender they secretly want.
People often find it hard to acknowledge any disappointment
in their children; they feel guilty for having wished for a boy
and gotten a girl (or the reverse), and worry that their disappointment
could make their child feel rejected and unloved. Although many
new parents are secretly upset at the sex of their baby,
what’s important here is that you can get past that disappointment.
Face your disappointment and then set about to discover what’s
wonderful about the child you have.
Whether your child is a boy
or a girl, there will be things about him or her that are not what
you might have expected. Try to remember that your child is an individual
with strengths and weaknesses that are totally his or her own. You
will be amazed at some of your child’s accomplishments and
stymied by others. If you are too invested in your child being a
particular way, whether you care too much about attitude, looks,
or gender, you will either disappoint yourself further or cause
the child to be disappointed in him or herself for not being what
you had in mind. Love the true person your child is. You don’t
want your child to feel that he or she should be something or someone
other than that.
Pay attention to the interests, skills, and personality
of the child you have. Learn to appreciate what is unique about
him. Find enjoyment in the discovery of who he is and wants to become,
rather than trying to mold or direct him in the direction of your
fantasy child. Once most parents admit to themselves that they’d
really wanted the other sex child, they can usually let go of that
initial discontent and allow themselves to love the child they have.
Then any early disappointment almost automatically turns to delight
and you’ll all do just fine.
If your disappointment prevents you
from enjoying your child, then that can be a problem and you should
ask for professional help to understand why you seem unable to bond
with your child. You and your child will feel infinitely better
when you can wholeheartedly love him or her, regardless of whether
he or she was what you expected or wanted. If you can’t come
to accept and love your child on your own, find a responsible psychotherapist
who can help you.
Although in general I think it’s
good to share lots of your memories with your children about their
births, I don’t recommend that you tell your daughter that
you’d really rather have had a boy, even if you stress to her
how much you love her anyway. Many children will then always worry
that you are still distressed about their sex. If you were disappointed
in the sex of your child but can now fully appreciate what a spectacular
and interesting human he or she is, don’t worry about having
wished for the opposite gender. Just enjoy the child you have and
move forward.
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